Looking at Kayla

As I write this, I’m sitting on my couch, typing away on my laptop with Kayla lying beside me, wrapped in blankets and fast asleep. It is so incredible to have a daughter and be able to look into her tiny face. It brings to mind quite a few things …

When Jen and I were at the Grand Canyon, we were repeatedly amazed at how difficult it is to get used the the size and grandeur of the site. Even after being there for a few days and seeing the canyon multiple times, it would still take our breath away every time we caught a glimpse of it. We were still struck every time by it’s sheer size and beauty.

Looking at Kayla makes me feel the same way sometimes. When I’m off for a while doing something else and then walk back into the room she’s in, I feel almost shocked every time I see her — shocked that she is really my daughter, and that she is so beautiful and wonderfully made. I feel blessed far beyond anything I deserve.

I am also reminded of Psalm 139 from the Bible:

1 O LORD , you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD .

5 You hem me in-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD ,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Just as this Psalm says, God truly knit Kayla together. He knew her and her heart before her body was ever formed. Verse 16 says, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” This is unbelievable — to realize that God has created Kayla for a purpose, knowing everything she will face in life and having an exact plan for how he desires to use her. And part of my responsibility as a parent is to prepare her to know God personally and pursue His plan for her life.

This seems overwhelming, but I know that it is part of God’s plan for my life. So I look forward to the joys and challenges of what being a father will mean.